I try my best when I write to have it come alive, I want you to see and feel the words on the page. You know when I first started writing they were bedtime letters to Brianna, I would post them before I went to bed, I couldn’t believe the response I got from them. I would get messages from people saying they couldn’t wait to see what I wrote to Brianna, for me it was just my way of trying to push through the days without her, I felt if I wrote to her I would be connected and maybe “pretend” a little that she was here.

I want the words to hit your HEART, most people can’t understand the loss of a child, nor would I want them to. Let’s take a little journey “through my eyes”

I don’t know why I thought of this? it just popped into my head. I was sitting at home content listening to music and all of a sudden the image of Brianna in the operating room popped up in my head. That was the day we said good bye 🙁

Chris and I walked into a big room, I would say there were probably 7 people there, I could be wrong, to be honest that moment was still a blur. As we walked in we couldn’t see Brianna’s face there was a drape in front of it, as we walked into this huge room we saw our Daughter laying there with a beautiful quilt on her chest, there was music and silence, we couldn’t hear any of the machines, just music. As we got closer there were two chairs above her head, we sat down, I’m sure I said something to the doctors but can’t recall. I stroked her hair and touched her beautiful brown skin. Chris and I cried and talked to our Daughter, I don’t recall the time, besides I didn’t want to track the time, I wanted to be in there forever, I wasn’t ready to say good-bye.

When it was time to take her off of life support in the back of my mind I was thinking “this isn’t happening, how could it be?” we watched her beautiful brown skin turn, we knew she was going to do the most unselfish thing a human could do, she was going to save lives with organ and tissue donation. Little did we know the recipient of her liver would be in the hospital next to Children’s waiting for Brianna’s liver.

I don’t remember getting up to walk away, I don’t remember a lot after that…. my world changed forever at that moment and I went in to survival mode.

Through my Eyes can you imagine watching your Daughter or Son die and walking away forever? it is the most brutal experience in your life…

Through my eyes once again I had to see the soul of a person end his LIFE.. that person was the wonderful Father to my children and my Husband. On March 26, 2015,

1,741 days or 4 yrs., 9 months and 7 days after he said good-bye to his daughter, Chris took his life by strangulation, he died in the closet on a hard floor. I couldn’t go in his apartment to see him or to touch him to let him know he was not alone, I had to wait outside while everyone around was watching. It seemed like hours before I knew what was going on. I’ll tell the full story in another chapter as there is so much more to this.

Through my eyes I saw them bring Chris out of the apartment, I think he was covered in a red bag? as he came out I stood alone, I wanted to run to him, my feet felt as though they were stuck to the ground. I could tell the police officer and the others didn’t want me to go to him. The smell was, well I can’t describe it, but it’s stuck in my memory forever! as they got closer to me I put my hand on him and cried, I still had so much to sat to him.

At that moment I couldn’t believe in my lifetime I watched my Daughter and Husband die!!!!!

That hard closet floor he was on? after the fact we tried to figure some things out and we calculated he was on the hard floor for 10 Fucking days, sorry for the extreme word but I don’t know how else to describe how that made me feel.

Through my eyes I see the world different, mostly I try and see the light, but many days it’s filled with darkness, I’ve gotten good at covering up and just trying to make the best of my life. How this chapter started was me just listening to music the other day and the grief set in without asking me if it could come by. You see it doesn’t matter if it’s a day or 20 years!!!!! Grief and thoughts come when least expected and you can’t do anything about it except go with it. It pisses me off when I hear people talk about “MY” loss and how I should be past it already, or how I should stop talking about my Daughter and my Husband!!!! you have NO clue what it’s like through “MY eyes” but I choose to share bits and pieces of it so hopefully you will understand just a little how this new life is for me.

I look at grief like mental illness, one moment you are laughing, enjoying your day and in the blink of an eye it all changes, the darkness settles in for a bit, the world is then clouded and you find yourself alone with your own thoughts.

 

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