I have poured so much of my heart and soul into this blog, it has been a way for me to put my words out there, to help me move along in this life, to be able to show others that life can be grand after tragedy…. This is my ongoing Journey of my life, you see I am not any other person, I am not ordinary, I don’t think about life as others do, my life is not what it was suppose to be, my path changed for some reason? I’m still trying to figure that out. I feel as though sometimes I am the one on the outside looking in, looking into my life, I still can’t believe this has happened to me!
I have been on this journey for 7 years and I can truly tell you it has been one hell of a rollercoaster. I have had my lows and highs. I have accomplished so much since the death of my Daughter, I felt as though I actually had a purpose in life, I was making a difference in this world, and then I crashed, I wasn’t doing all the things I was doing before, I was no longer out speaking, I was no longer running, I was no longer writing and pushing myself. I started to feel like a hypocrite, here I am preaching and saying all of this stuff about how you can thrive in your life after tragedy, how you can be strong, how you can find love… blah blah blah!!!! to be honest I was trying to convince myself that my life was fine, but really what I was doing was trying to get out of this hole. Here I am preaching and all the while I was settling, I was settling for a life I didn’t want, I was pretending everything was great, when in reality it was just ok… not the life I want for myself after what I have gone through. I have all of this passion, all of this love, all of me that I want to share. My senses are 100 times more than they were before Brianna died, I feel more, I have more compassion, I want more out of life. I don’t want an ordinary life, I want an extraordinary life!!!! I’m getting to the point in my life where I am ready to let go of the things that are not lifting me, I am ready to cut the ties I can’t do it all anymore, I’m tired of not doing or living for me.
Just like I have written before, grief is like an addict, sometimes you cling on to people because they need you, they are your drug, you feel lost in the world so you want to feel needed, well guess what? these are the people who take advantage of you, they aren’t there for you, they are there for themselves. Addiction is a vicious animal, so is grief. It’s time to finally become clean and start thinking of myself, I have to stop putting others first or caring if I hurt their feelings. Because I have had my feelings hurt way to many times, I’ve been stepped on, I have been emotionally abused and made to feel like shit. Now I know all that meant was that person felt bad about their own self so they took it out on me to make them look better… I’m done!!!!
I do know that I want to continue my life in a positive way, in a way to where I am truly inspiring and helping others, I a way where I am true to myself and living a good life. My Grief will be forever…I will always think about my Sweet Brianna and Her Daddy. How can anyone ever imagine that their life would end up like this? I lost my Family, a Husband and a Daughter tragically. My Husband took his life intentionally and my Daughter took her life Unintentionally!!!!!
It’s time for me to really figure this shit out, this life, my purpose and what will be my next step, I have got to put my BIG girl panties on and just do it….. if I don’t do something soon I won’t make it!